*walking past a church*
Child: *points at a large wooden crucifix replica out front* who is that?
Me: uh, that’s…Jesus…
Child: who is he?
Me: well, in the Christian religion he is regarded as the son of God
Child: is he real?
Me: *internally screaming FUUUUUUCCCKKKK* um, that’s a good question. Evidence suggests there was in fact a historical personage who once lived and that we now know as Jesus. How closely his life resembled the events written in the bible is somewhat unknown, and largely a matter of belief, I suppose, although what isn’t, really?
Child: *long pause* okay.
Child: *points at the statue again* Is he real?
Me: oh. OHH. You mean like, is that a real body???
Child: yes
Me: Oh good god Tyler, no, I think it’s wood
I’m forever banned from stepping foot on what is virtually 1/5th of Scotland’s landmass.
For those of you wondering, it involved my disgruntled ancestor, the modern day equivalent of a 5 dollar refund, angry townspeople, and a ban on my entire bloodline until the end of time.
I really want to hear this story
If this gets to a hundred notes, I’ll give you more details.
Alright, gather around. So way way back in the 1700′s, my respectable relative decided that they wanted to go traveling. Their crops had come in on time, they weren’t dying of tuberculosis, and, for once, the English weren’t trying to kill them. So, naturally, they ventured South to a small village in the Hebrides for a nice ‘tropical’ vacation. Upon reaching said village, they came across an inn.
Now, the Scottish, being the wild party animals that they are, were having a dance that night. This dance must have looked like a lot of fun, because my relative in question decided to pay a modest fee of what would be 5 dollars in today’s world to get in. Everything was going great, until 10 minutes later, the inn decided to close for the night. My dude was NOT having it. They demanded a refund, but the innkeeper said no.
Shenanigans promptly ensued. They wanted their 5 dollars, and by God, THEY WOULD GET IT. Unfortunately, there was a no refund policy. I don’t know what was worse, the fact that they were robbed of 5 bucks, or that they were thrown so violently off their groove. I will never know what really happened next that night that was so bad, so awful, so absolutely mortifying that it warranted exile, but one can’t help but imagine. Was it murder? Heresy? A combination of both?
In the end, the townspeople chased them off, banished them, and cursed their very name. If they, or any of their children, or their children’s children’s children decided to step foot back on that island, there would be goddamn hell to pay.
If I could choose to travel back in time to any one place, it would be this very same event. I mean, I have questions. Did my ancestor kick ass and take names, or did they get their ass kicked? What else would they do for 5 dollars? Was wreaking havoc on a small town and forever shaming the family name worth it? Was it honestly worth the 5 fricking dollars?
fights in the s’chn t’gai household must be wild. like “father, i find your behavior illogical” “my son spock, it is your behavior that is illogical” two weeks pass without them speaking to each other at all after those intense accusations were flung
An app that shows you where there’s a young man in possession of a good fortune who must be in want of a wife
On the radar:
Gentleman with 5,000 pounds a year Handsome tragic veteran Dashing officer of good breeding Gentleman with 10,000 pounds a year Liberal-minded heir to a large estate
Your phone buzzes:
Mr. Collins
Your mother runs into the room “the lure I placed on netherfield park has worked at last. There is a young man in possession of good fortune, one of the girls must surely catch him”
Luke when everyone starts freaking the frickle frack out after he says it: Oh poodoo, that was a secret wasn’t it? WELL. That’s what you get for not telling us anything about her and making any mention of her existence a criminal offense in the future, Father! How was I supposed to know it was a secret relationship? Oh hi, Ben. Yoda. Did you know there’s a really tall Force Ghost screaming at the two of you? What? You can’t see him?? He’s literally right there. His name is Quaggan or something and—JABBA THE HUTT’S GIANT FUCKING JUGULAR, IS THAT A DROID WITH FOUR LIGHTSABERS?????!?!? AND WHOSE THAT GUY? AND THAT ONE? WHY DO THEY ALL LOOK ALIKE? WAIT. I’VE NEVER BEEN ON CORUSCANT BEFORE, I’M GONNA GO SIGHTSEE.
Leia while currently choking Palpatine Jabba Style in the distance and singlehandedly defeating the Separatists with a glare, all while keeping her identity secret: Luke, tf.
oh my god I’m laughing so hard this is so funny and so real Luke would be The Worst time-traveler
And then Luke sees Palps and Anakin interact /once/ and is like, “DAD WTF HOW DID YOU FALL FOR THIS SHIT EVEN I’M NOT FALLING FOR THIS”
