arthur weasley, aka the world’s biggest muggleboo who probably larps as an office worker on the weekends
officemaster: you have… *rolls dice* successfully transferred the call to your boss’ voicemail! you hear the distant ringing of the fellytone from the inner office for a moment before the machine picks up, securely delivering the regional manager’s message to its intended recipient.
arthur weasley: *pumps fist in air, high-fives xenophilius lovegood*
sirius black: is it my turn yet?
officemaster: no.
xenophilius lovegood: i search the supply closet for binder clips.
officemaster: *rolls dice* you find a small cardboard box with three binder clips in it, but in the process of retrieving it from the high shelf, you knock a bottle of toner off. it hits your left pinky toe. *rolls dice* you lose 1 HP.
xenophilius lovegood: best fetch quest EVER.
sirius black: so is it my turn now?
officemaster: no, shut up. remus?
remus lupin: wait, is arthur still at the front desk?
arthur weasley: yeah
remus lupin: i approach the front desk. *clears throat* “Hello, Shirley. Were there any messages for me while I was out?”
arthur weasley: “Yes, Mr. Crumplebottom. Phillip Smythe from home office called about your business trip. I put him through to your voicemail.”
remus lupin: “Good work! Thank you very much. I shall remeber this come time for your Christmas bonus.”
sirius black: is it my turn yettt???
officemaster: merlin’s balls man, yes, it’s your turn
sirius black: i attempt to seduce the visiting sales representative
remus lupin: what? you can’t do that
sirius black: sure i can, i have like 25 charisma points
remus lupin: but we’ve all got the casual friday modifier right now, and if you get a sexual harassment lawsuit we can’t advance to the next meeting until the litigation phase is over
sirius black: i’m chaotic neutral, what were you expecting?
remus lupin: besides, arthur’s receptionist character found out she was married in the last session, remember? you would have to roll a natural 20
arthur weasley: hey, no metagaming–sirius’ character wasn’t there at the time, he was trapped in the fax machine
xenophilius lovegood: i still don’t think that’s how fax machines actually work
officemaster: sirius?
sirius black: yeah, arthur’s right, i couldn’t have known about that. *shrugs* i attempt to seduce her.
remus lupin: oh my god i hate you so much right now
sirius black: get bent lupin
remus lupin: you wish
sirius black: i don’t have to
officemaster: *rolls dice* *winces*
sirius black: what? what happened?
Yeah! What happened?!
Sirius botched both his action and his save. His character was fatally bear-maced in the face. Remus’ character was forced to spend an entire session on sensitivity training for his remaining employees. Sirius returned in the following session as a dual-class IT guy and paladin.
this dark ___ meme is bringing back memories bc when i was a kid i thought darth maul was called dark mall and i thought if i took the mall elevator up to the secret floor above the top floor he would be there and kill me
Legit had a dream last night that Thomas the tank engine fell off the railway to the afterlife into purgatory and spent centuries trying to escape a ghost train sweatshop, only to end up back in the real world as a lost and confused human, distraught that his chance at a peaceful train death had been ripped from him.
I don’t know what I did last night to cause this but I need to never do it again.
I’ve only just remembered upon retelling this dream to my friend and had to rush here before I forgot it again. I explicitly remember human Thomas’ last words upon looking morosely out upon feudal Japan were very close to “I did not waste so many of my years to end up back on this miserable planet.”
Like, if this dream had featured humans or frankly ANYTHING other that a sentient train it would have been totally serious. There was not a single funny moment in this dream WHY WAS IT THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE?!
Oxfam Swansea’s owner Phil Broadhurst said the shop had become “a retirement home” for copies of the first book and its sequels. They got so many, they built a fort out of them.
The funniest Star Wars twist would be if instead of a family-reveal it was a not-family-reveal where Kylo Ren finds out he’s adopted and not even related to Darth Vader at all
