sorry guys I’ve just never run into a character that has this//this much discussion of it at ALL I mean shit I didn’t even know I had Sensory Integration until I was 14
I was so pissed that my parents didn’t even think to explain to me that I was different because my brain was different, because…
I am mostly still on my tumblr-cation (Val, pretty much I’ve been checking your Tumblr and John Green’s, so feel special, I guess?), but I logged back in so I could reblog this.
I had a similar experience with obsessive-compulsive disorder. �?My parents couldn’t really have done much about it, as they didn’t realize I had it and the one thing that might have helped—seeing a therapist—was something that terrified me as a child. �?My parents suggested it, and I begged and pleaded with them not to take me. �?But I spent a lot of time thinking I was a terrible person, when it wasn’t that I was doing things wrong; there was actually something wrong with me.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder does not always manifest in the counting of things, the touching of walls, the straightening and alphabetizing and organizing that television teaches us to expect. �?OCD has subtypes, some of which are oddly specific and quite different from what you would probably think of when you imagine a person with the disorder.
There is, in particular, a subtype of OCD called scrupulosity. �?This is an abnormal and unhealthy preoccupation with religious or moral correctness. �?I spent so much time worrying that I had accidentally sold my soul, whispering repetitive prayers to apologize for or “undo” a blasphemous thought, and crying over things I did wrong because all I wanted was to be good and it seemed like my mind was against me. �?I thought I was the most sinful of children, that I was doing things that could never be forgiven. �?
Everyone has ridiculous automatic thoughts. �?The difference between most of you and a person with scrupulosity is that if something absurd like, “I would like ice cream so much I’d pretty much sell my soul for it,” popped into your head, you would go, “That was a weird thought,” and move on. �?I, on the other hand, would probably spend the next thirty seconds chanting under my breath that I didn’t mean it, that I was sorry, and that the devil should go away. �?I know it’s stupid. �?I know! �?But it’s much easier to recognize your disordered thinking than to rewire your brain.
I didn’t realize that I had OCD until high school, and when I read an article about scrupulosity, it made my whole life make sense. �?I wasn’t a horrible person, and I wasn’t failing hideously at religion. �?I was just a little bit glitchy. �?
I am writing this because I don’t want anyone else to go around feeling evil when you’ve just got some wires crossed. �?If anything I’ve said rings a bell, you might want to check out the Wikipedia pages on OCD and scrupulosity and/or the OCD Foundation’s website. �?(I guess I can’t put hyperlinks in this type of post?)
As for what you do about it, well, that’s up to you. �?I have tried talk therapy, which for me personally was somewhat useful but not really mind-blowing; Cognitive Behavior Therapy, which is supposed to be quite good for OCD if you’re willing to work for it, although I never really kept up with the homework my therapist gave me; antidepressants, which didn’t like my body chemistry and gave me some weird side effects; and mindfulness meditation, which I think would also have been good if I had actually kept up with it. �?I’ve also heard good things about Inositol, which is a dietary supplement, but I’ve never tried it. �?So there are a lot of things you can try. �?Honestly, though, I think just knowing what’s wrong with you is a huge relief. �?Knowing that you’re not the only one and that it doesn’t make you stupid or a bad person.
I’m going to sleep now, and I don’t log into Tumblr all that often, but if anyone has any questions about OCD or scrupulosity, I would be happy to try to answer them, whenever the next time I check my ask box is. �?Which is to say, I am happy to help, but seldom here, if that makes sense. �?Good night, Tumblr.
This is how I feel!
Especially the scruplousity thing. I’ve had huge problems with that. My parents once had a copy of The God Delusion lying around and not only could I not read it I couldn’t touch it. I never used to be able to watch or touch DVDs of Supernatural, either, although that thankfully didn’t last long. (Then I started watching it and liked it.) I was afraid if I did anything wrong at all, God would punish me. Even though normally I don’t even believe in him…