MICHAEL: Hello everyone, I’m going to turn this school around!
MICHAEL’S DREAM: *stab stab stabbity stab*
PHOENIX: So, our Nan’s dead. We’re gonna have to go live with our alcoholic father, bro.
MICHAEL: Don’t worry, your alcoholic father has agreed to take you in!
PHOENIX: THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE WANTED
SIAN: I used to date Michael, but now I’ve married this jerk.
THIS JERK JEZ: *alienates his son and cheats at rugby*
SIAN: Wait, I love Michael!
LINDA: I love Michael!
MADI: I hate Sian!
JEZ: I hate Michael!
MICHAEL: And I hate…doors.
RONAN: Vicki, all this studying and trying to improve your life that you’re doing, it’s kind of weirding me out.
VICKI: Ronan, come check out what’s in this science book!…It’s a list of the FUCKS I DO NOT GIVE.
FINN: My last girlfriend died tragically, so I could use a new one. How about you, Trudi?
TRUDI: Go on then. I must warn you, though, I come with an angry brother.
TARIQ: HOW DARE YOU MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS TRUDI THAT IS DISGUSTING OMG
MICHAEL: *makes TARIQ Head Boy*
CHALKY: I really like you, Janeece! Can we date?
JANEECE: That’s so sweet! But I only like you as a good friend.
calls her a slag, spreads nasty rumours about her and insults her on Facebook does not do any of that, because he is a GENINUE NICE GUY*
RONAN: So, what’s actually going on with us…?
[VICKI hits RONAN, then turns around and walks into a DOOR, giving herself a BLACK EYE and making people suspicious that RONAN has HIT HER]
RONAN: What are the chances of that?
SCOUT: Hi, I’m a teenager with no references or qualifications. Can I lie my way into a job with you?
MIA: Sure, why not?
SCOUT: What are the chances of that?
MICHAEL: Oh, I also hate the guy who stabbed me.
GUY WHO STABBED HIM: *gets hit by car*
MICHAEL: WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF…I’m not even gonna say it.
LINDA: STALKING POWERS ACTIVATE
CHALKY: omg girls like me!
PHOENIX: Wait, I was doing something in this Michael/Linda storyline, right?
RONAN: At least me and Vicki parted on amicable terms…I guess?
EMILY: SCOUT I LOOOOOVE YOU
LINDA: So it turns out I’m what you’d call a bunny-boiler…which is ironic, because I did actually have a pet bunny.
Also available on tumblr
[The cliffhanger from SPRING TERM is wrapped up in ONE EPISODE]
MICHAEL: So, we have a gang problem. I suggest that, instead of doing anything to properly tackle it, we instead ban the kids from saying words like ‘bruv’ or ‘blood’.
TARIQ: [joins gang]
KYLE: [was already in gang]
JOSH: [takes drugs]
TRUDI: This is mine and Tariq’s sister, who we’ve never mentioned before.
NASEEM: Hi. I like football.
[NASEEM’s interest in FOOTBALL is never mentioned again]
JOSH: So, I have a drug problem.
NICKI: Allow me to, in a blatent disregard of the rules, roughly shove you into this shower.
GRANTLY: Excuse me, I need to go kidnap my wife from her nursing home.
[GRANTLY’S WIFE, who has Alzhemier’s, DIES. It is not FUNNY.]
HARLEY: Sorry about your wife, sir. Will this Bible help?
TRUDI: Finn, you idiot, you got me pregnant.
FINN: Oh my God.
[TRUDI MISCARRIES, so the show doesn’t have to show her having an ABORTION.]
TARIQ: You got my sister pregnant?! I’m so angry, I could…I could…smash up your car!
FINN: MY CAR! I HATE YOU! Screw your sister (oh wait, I did)! I’m going to JOIN A GANG because of you!
JOSH: So I think smoking a bit of cannabis made me schizophrenic.
AUDIENCE: CANNABIS DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!
JOSH: Actually, there’s still lots of research being done into the link between cannabis and schizophrenia. It’s possible I had a genetic predisposition towards it anyway. Schizophrenia can affect anyone.
SHOW: Hooray, we might have got something accidentally right!
MERCEDES: Mr Diamond, come back to my house and tend to my running injuries.
JEZ: Can do!
MERCEDES: I love you! But you don’t love me…so I’ll tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
JEZ: Well, it’s not as if there’s a problem with young women of colour not being believed when they report sex crimes.
SIAN: Jez, I’m leaving you. And taking these kids, at least one of whom used to hate me. Okay?
MADI: I hate you, dad whom I used to love!…I’m quite changeable.
ZACK: I HAVE NO FATHER!
SCOUT: My mother tried to sell me?
SCOUT’S MOTHER: *finally gets sent to prison*
SCOUT: Hey, remember how that Chris bloke said he’d look after me, a few terms ago? Whatever happened with that…?
[Around this point, JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN is announced as the new companion and WHOVIANS start watching the show, even though she’s not in it anymore.]
CHALKY: Guys, I was in Doctor Who too! I got shot in the first episode…guys?
FINN: To prove myself to this gang, I shall burn down Tariq’s shed. That couldn’t possibly go wrong.
[NASEEM is in the shed.]
FINN: Oh balls.
GANG: How dare you save an innocent life! We’re gonna kill you, at some point!
KYLE: Didn’t I used to be sort of vaguely on the path to being a decent human being?
FINN: lol no.
MICHAEL: So, we’re gonna move the school to Scotland! Who’s with me…?
MAGGIE: Grantly, you’re a bitter, miserable old sod who hates the modern world, hates children, yells a lot, thinks that me posing nude makes me a slag-
wanna do it?
GRANTLY: yay SEX
JANEECE: Yay, I’m getting married!
[CHALKY is pleased, even though he fancies her, because he is a GENIUNE NICE GUY]
JANEECE: So, my fiance turned out to be a thief who cleaned me out. Terrific. Also, where the hell is my baby? Why didn’t I bring her to my wedding? Kudos for remembering I have one, but where is she? Also: all my stuff’s been nicked.
MICHAEL: So. Scotland…?
FINN: Hey Trudi. Sorry I almost burnt your sister to death and joined a gang and all.
TRUDI: That’s okay.
[They kiss. Inexplicably, everyone is PLEASED.]
NASEEM: Hooray, my sister’s getting back with the bloke who almost killed me!
KYLE: *plots evilly*
TARIQ: *plots semi-evilly*
KYLE: I have a crossbow! Let’s shoot Finn!
TARIQ: Sorry, Evil Katniss, you’re on your own.
KYLE: (dude katniss had a bow and arrow not a crossbow)
TARIQ: (i know but the joke won’t work otherwise)
KYLE: DIE, FINN, DIE!
JOSH: *nobly takes the shot*
FANDOM: I love that guy!
JOSH: *not dead*
[Series ENDS with a poigant shot of hundreds of school ties knotted around the school gates]
WRITERS: lol nope.
[VAN going to SCOTLAND]
DENZIL: I haven’t done much in this series! Let’s stop and take a photo.
GRANTLY: Maggie, will you marry me?
MAGGIE: Of course!
EVERYONE: I’ve never been so happy!
[UNEXPECTED VAN careens down the road and hits them]
AUDIENCE: SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WRITERS: See you next year!