Godzilla vs Kong was EXACTLY as dumb as I hoped, if not dumber. Here are all the thoughts in my head fresh after a (home) viewing. Take this as Kongfirmation that it’s worth seeing IF and ONLY IF you want to turn your brain off for a couple hours:
- Humankind has about 1 brain cell between them in this movie. See: an evil goateed man trying to make a MechaGodzilla in the middle of a densely populated city, humanity just plain not noticing the previously peaceful Godzilla is only attacking a particular company rather than humans in general, everything Goatee Guy’s daughter does, humankind running about in the streets even though two giant monsters are still in play
- King Kong gets a magic glowing axe which is always nice
- We learn in this movie that Jia (the little girl who can communicate with Kong) is the last survivor of the Iwa who were the inhabitants of Skull Island. So that means that very recently an entire culture was destroyed and… it never comes up at all? You would think quite a lot would be made of Jia and Kong both being the last of their kind but it doesn’t get mentioned during their interactions
- Jia accompanies her adoptive mother (we never really get the details of that story either) and her team on all their incredibly dangerous adventures, including a journey into the center of the earth which killed the previous team, and NO-ONE at ANY POINT suggests that maybe having a literal young child there is a terrible idea
- Kong and Godzilla have a big ol’ fight in the middle of Hong Kong, skyscrapers go flying all over the place, yet the cool neon lights never go out
- Speaking of, we’re told that the people in the vicinity of the Kong-Godzilla fight are quickly being evacuated, yet a few minutes later we see a whole bunch of folks on the top floor of a skyscraper, did they somehow miss the two giant monsters beating the crap out of each other?
- Apex has billions of dollars to spend on a bunch of anti-gravity vehicles and a MechaGodzilla but seemingly can’t afford an even remotely effective security system
- One of the themes of this movie appears to be “Conspiracy theories might be right!” which is an UNFATHOMABLY THOUGHTLESS thing to be promoting at this particular point in time OH MY GOD
- Josh (the character played by the kid from Deadpool 2) actually is the hero of this film, seeing as how without his geniunely good idea of pouring alcohol into the MechaGodzilla controls it wouldn’t have gotten disrupted long enough for Kong and Godzilla to get their killer blows in. Josh gets no credit whatsoever for this, remains the film’s butt-monkey, and the last we see of him is his being told to shut up. Yeah actually I think I’m rooting for the giant monsters to destroy the Earth after all?