Dear US Police,
I am DELIGHTED that we can start arresting very young children now! I have so many children I want to have the book thrown at. A bunch of kids rang my mother-in-law’s doorbell yesterday and ran off giggling, what can they be charged with? I feel it’s a really sensible and appropriate reaction to put children in handcuffs and subject them to the traumatising experience of being hauled off by police, you see.
Oh! And I used to live next door to an extremely loud, difficult child who once turned a garden hose on me. Only a few years have passed since then so he’s still a kid, small and easy to push around. Let’s get him!
Also I think I might have to retroactively turn myself in for theft, because when I was 12 or so I stole some sweets from a jar my mother kept in the kitchen, supposedly out of my reach, and kept doing so for a couple of months, taking one or two at a time so she wouldn’t notice. Sounds completely crazy, and probably is, but we gotta apply this system fairly I’m assuming.
Wait! This sort of Victorian-era ruthlessness is only for vulnerable black children? Oh okay then. I guess the doorbell-ringers and the garden-hosers will just have to grow up and out of it then, you know, like children are supposed to.