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[The cliffhanger from SPRING TERM is wrapped up in ONE EPISODE]

*

MICHAEL: So, we have a gang problem. I suggest that, instead of doing anything to properly tackle it, we instead ban the kids from saying words like ‘bruv’ or ‘blood’.
TEACHERS: Okay!
TARIQ: [joins gang]
KYLE: [was already in gang]
JOSH: [takes drugs]

*

TRUDI: This is mine and Tariq’s sister, who we’ve never mentioned before.
NASEEM: Hi. I like football.
[NASEEM’s interest in FOOTBALL is never mentioned again]

*

JOSH: So, I have a drug problem.
NICKI: Allow me to, in a blatent disregard of the rules, roughly shove you into this shower.
[This WORKS.]

*

GRANTLY: Excuse me, I need to go kidnap my wife from her nursing home.
[GRANTLY’S WIFE, who has Alzhemier’s, DIES. It is not FUNNY.]
HARLEY: Sorry about your wife, sir. Will this Bible help?
GRANTLY: *cries*
HARLEY: *cries*
AUDIENCE: *cries*

*

TRUDI: Finn, you idiot, you got me pregnant.
FINN: Oh my God.
[TRUDI MISCARRIES, so the show doesn’t have to show her having an ABORTION.]
TARIQ: You got my sister pregnant?! I’m so angry, I could…I could…smash up your car!
FINN: MY CAR! I HATE YOU! Screw your sister (oh wait, I did)! I’m going to JOIN A GANG because of you!
EVERYONE: …

*

JOSH: So I think smoking a bit of cannabis made me schizophrenic.
AUDIENCE: CANNABIS DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!
JOSH: Actually, there’s still lots of research being done into the link between cannabis and schizophrenia. It’s possible I had a genetic predisposition towards it anyway. Schizophrenia can affect anyone.
AUDIENCE: Oh.
SHOW: Hooray, we might have got something accidentally right!

*

MERCEDES: Mr Diamond, come back to my house and tend to my running injuries.
JEZ: Can do!
MERCEDES: I love you! But you don’t love me…so I’ll tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
JEZ: Well, it’s not as if there’s a problem with young women of colour not being believed when they report sex crimes.
WRITERS: …
SIAN: Jez, I’m leaving you. And taking these kids, at least one of whom used to hate me. Okay?
MADI: I hate you, dad whom I used to love!…I’m quite changeable.
ZACK: I HAVE NO FATHER!

*

SCOUT: My mother tried to sell me?
SCOUT’S MOTHER: *finally gets sent to prison*
SCOUT: Hey, remember how that Chris bloke said he’d look after me, a few terms ago? Whatever happened with that…?

*

[Around this point, JENNA-LOUISE COLEMAN is announced as the new companion and WHOVIANS start watching the show, even though she’s not in it anymore.]

CHALKY: Guys, I was in Doctor Who too! I got shot in the first episode…guys?

*

FINN: To prove myself to this gang, I shall burn down Tariq’s shed. That couldn’t possibly go wrong.
[NASEEM is in the shed.]
FINN: Oh balls.
GANG: How dare you save an innocent life! We’re gonna kill you, at some point!
KYLE: Didn’t I used to be sort of vaguely on the path to being a decent human being?
FINN: lol no.

*

MICHAEL: So, we’re gonna move the school to Scotland! Who’s with me…?

*

MAGGIE: Grantly, you’re a bitter, miserable old sod who hates the modern world, hates children, yells a lot, thinks that me posing nude makes me a slag-
wanna do it?
GRANTLY: yay SEX

*

JANEECE: Yay, I’m getting married!
[CHALKY is pleased, even though he fancies her, because he is a GENIUNE NICE GUY]
JANEECE: So, my fiance turned out to be a thief who cleaned me out. Terrific. Also, where the hell is my baby? Why didn’t I bring her to my wedding? Kudos for remembering I have one, but where is she? Also: all my stuff’s been nicked.
CHALKY: *hugs*

*

MICHAEL: So. Scotland…?

*

FINN: Hey Trudi. Sorry I almost burnt your sister to death and joined a gang and all.
TRUDI: That’s okay.
[They kiss. Inexplicably, everyone is PLEASED.]
NASEEM: Hooray, my sister’s getting back with the bloke who almost killed me!
KYLE: *plots evilly*
TARIQ: *plots semi-evilly*

*

KYLE: I have a crossbow! Let’s shoot Finn!
TARIQ: Sorry, Evil Katniss, you’re on your own.
KYLE: (dude katniss had a bow and arrow not a crossbow)
TARIQ: (i know but the joke won’t work otherwise)

*

KYLE: DIE, FINN, DIE!
JOSH: *nobly takes the shot*
FANDOM: I love that guy!
KYLE: *arrested*
JOSH: *not dead*

*

[Series ENDS with a poigant shot of hundreds of school ties knotted around the school gates]

WRITERS: lol nope.

*

[VAN going to SCOTLAND]
DENZIL: I haven’t done much in this series! Let’s stop and take a photo.
GRANTLY: Maggie, will you marry me?
MAGGIE: Of course!
EVERYONE: I’ve never been so happy!

[UNEXPECTED VAN careens down the road and hits them]

AUDIENCE: SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
WRITERS: See you next year!