(no subject)
Guys guys guys, I kinda want to talk to someone
Those who know me know I’m not…100% actually sane. I think. I once spent an entire Wednesday morning thinking my cat was a demon and refusing to touch it. I have OCD, SAD, CBT for the OCD…I basically take up an entire alphabet. I am, however, starting to feel better than I have in ages concerning the Big Problems, which is definitely good.
It’s just there’s all these little things bugging me right now. The guy who messaged me calling me a ‘retarded cunt’ om Tumblr a few days ago? Plunged me into this weird anxious state, to the extenct that Dave (my fiance) was pretty worried. And that’s just normal stuff that everyone on the internet has to deal with…and I apparentlycan’t, and it’s worrying me.
More ‘shameful’ to me though, is that I get anxious when my various OTPs/favourite characters are criticised. This has been a mild problem for ages, but it’s really kicked in pretty bad recently. I mean…other people just get cross seeing character hate, right, but I getanxious. Proper sick-feeling anxious. I don’t know why, and I hate it. I’m grateful that I have the option to walk away from the computer screen, whereas some of the things I get anxious about (things I literally cannot type, what the fuck is wrong with me) in real life, I can’t.
I may not be cut out for the Internet. I just…I needed to get this out here and see how everyone else deals with stuff, I guess.
April 8, 2012 @ 6:42 pm
I have OCD, too, in particular scrupulosity (religious obsessions). I don’t think I’ve ever thought anything was a demon, but I have worried about things like accidentally selling my soul or insulting God and damning myself. It sucks, and I’m sorry you have to deal with OCD and anxiety, too. :/ I don’t think it’s weird to have things that make you so anxious you can’t even write about them. The internet doesn’t make me super anxious, but there are other things that do. My therapist suggested I try mindfulness meditation (which I have largely been too lazy to implement), which mostly consists of sitting quietly with your eyes shut and focusing on your breathing. Every time a thought crops up, you just categorize it–OCD, school-related, to-do later–and go back to breathing. It’s supposed to teach you how to not instantly go into panic mode every time an OCD thought comes to you, because you learn to recognize and disengage from them.
April 8, 2012 @ 8:22 pm
scrupulosity (religious obsessions). I don’t think I’ve ever thought anything was a demon, but I have worried about things like accidentally selling my soul or insulting God and damning myself. I had this too! So much of it. For a while, it made me uncomfortable to even touch a copy of The God Delusion or similar books, because I was God would punish me for it. My therapist suggested I try mindfulness meditation (which I have largely been too lazy to implement), which mostly consists of sitting quietly with your eyes shut and focusing on your breathing. Every time a thought crops up, you just categorize it–OCD, school-related, to-do later–and go back to breathing That’s a really good idea! (The last person who mentioned mindfulness meditation did not sell it well, to put it mildly, but you make it sound a lot better)
April 8, 2012 @ 7:01 pm
My dear, as someone who rents her sanity from the pharmacy, and has done so for close to a quarter century, can I give you a hug? Sometimes that is one of the few things that anyone can give another – although it sometimes seems odd to offer one through the ether. I have dealt with depression, manic-depression and at least one mild psychotic break where I truly, as we say in our family, went to Jupiter. I came back with the help of my Best Beloved, some thoughtful shrink work and an ongoing campaign to find the combination of drugs that could help me. Over the years our family – all of whom deal with Better Living Through Chemistry – have dealt with what hat means for us: keeping an eye on each other, keeping an eye on ourselves, remembering to talk to each other (or a professional) when we have problems, and being willing to change tactics when necessary, to maintain the ongoing strategy of being able to live in the world and to enjoy it. One of the first things I had to deal with in myself was to ditch the shame. I still deal with that to a certain extent, but the reality is this: chemical blood brain imbalances affect people, just as diabetes or genetic heart glitches or multiple sclerosis affect people. Those blood brain imbalances run the gamut, and they, like MS or diabetes or any other disease, affect one’s life. Some of them are mild, some of them are completely life-altering. What they are not, are moral failings, intellectual faults, weakness of will, or proof that one is a lesser human being. No matter how “odd” the symptoms may seem, that is what they are – symptoms. You get thrown into unhappiness after someone insults you crudely on the Internet. That’s understandable. It would be even if you didn’t deal with the kind of imbalances we deal with.You get anxious about people criticizing your OTP/fave characters – it’s a natural symptom reflecting the blood brain imbalances that you deal with. Don’t feel ashamed. I know at least a little about what you deal with; I may not sit in the same pew, but I’m in the same church, so to speak. Years ago, I spent a great deal of time believing that I could converse with someone who was long dead. The pain of believing that, while having some part of me know that it was not happening, may have been one of the most intensely unhappy and painful periods of my life. Had I not broken my silence about it – and I remained silent out of shame, thinking my problem was too “weird” to talk about – I might not be here today. Once I did open up about it, people were able to help me through it, help me get to the other side. . That’s really all I can tell you. Don’t be ashamed. Talk to others. Work with professionals to find the right meds – if one doesn’t work, or if one mix of meds doesn’t work, work with professionals to find another. Remember that the meds don’t “cure” you – but they can give you the stability to improve life. Talk to those who love you. Identify the bad coping mechanisms, find better coping mechanisms. Sometimes they can be little: if something hurts you so badly that you find yourself heading to old, bad patterns, perhaps you come here and talk about it with us, or perhaps you write it down so you can see it on paper and wrestle it into a handleable problem instead of an amorphous monster. Perhaps you find someone else with problems and focus on helping them, because focusing on someone else can get you out of the destructive inward obsession that our imbalances sometimes force us into. Ultimately, after all this pretentious rambling, perhaps the best thing I can say is that you are not alone. Again, hugs.
April 8, 2012 @ 8:35 pm
You have no idea what this means to me. *hugs* I have dealt with depression, manic-depression and at least one mild psychotic break where I truly, as we say in our family, went to Jupiter. I came back with the help of my Best Beloved, some thoughtful shrink work and an ongoing campaign to find the combination of drugs that could help me. This is almost exactly what happened to me! My breakdown came in 2007 (round about November) and dragged on til about March 2008. My boyfriend, a nice bunch of therapists, and anti-depressants brought me out of it. You get thrown into unhappiness after someone insults you crudely on the Internet. That’s understandable. It would be even if you didn’t deal with the kind of imbalances we deal with.You get anxious about people criticizing your OTP/fave characters – it’s a natural symptom reflecting the blood brain imbalances that you deal with. Don’t feel ashamed. *hugs* Thank you, seriously- this helped a lot. And you, too, are not alone. :)
April 9, 2012 @ 12:41 am
Echoing the comment that said brains have imbalances just like any other organ. *hugs* I hope you get the help you need. I wish I could be of more help, but the other comments were far more eloquent than mine. :)
April 9, 2012 @ 11:55 am
*hugs* Thank you. :D
April 9, 2012 @ 12:43 am
I cope by blowing up, breathing fire, having a good cry, and eating some ice cream.
April 9, 2012 @ 11:55 am
Mmm, ice cream!
April 9, 2012 @ 3:51 pm
What is normal? Well, I couldn’t tell you; for over 40 years people have made certain to tell me I’m not normal. But a funny thing happened on the way to a breakdown (not my first, not my last, just another thing that happens to me every few years, like bronchitis) – I figured out that EVERYONE IS NOT NORMAL. Society, culture, family, schools, religions, they all conspire to build a picture of Normal, and when it’s held up next to you, it doesn’t look like you. It can’t. Normal isn’t sanity, normal isn’t creativity, normal isn’t questioning and seeking answers, normal isn’t emotional. Normal is like that other unattainable thing, Perfection. Nobody’s perfect, nobody’s normal. And part of the problem in today’s world is that other NotNormals can lash out at random people all over the world, instantly and with no regard for the consequences. If it occurs to them at all, they may be happy with causing someone else pain. Think of those commenters as that spoiled bratty kid in the sandbox that pushes other kids over on his way to grabbing a toy from another kid. Since you’re not their parent, you can’t spank them, no matter how much they need it, so ignore it. They’ll go away, looking for new toys to steal. The other people who have commented have good thoughts for you. The right meds can make your life more manageable (I chose to not go that route, but it works for my daughters and quite a few friends), but the real way to live with your unique brain is to be mindful of it. As ladymercury_10 suggests, mindful meditation is a wonderful coping mechanism, and after you get good at it, it can become a healing tool. When you can shut out external stimuli, sometimes parts of your brain can finally be heard. Not just the screaming of “help, help”, but the actual reason help is needed can be heard in a good meditation session. The idea is to note them, and then empty your mind again, and afterward, sometimes the missing puzzle pieces show up and you finally see what the picture really is. Although janie_aire‘s suggestion is what I do, still, about a quarter of the time. But I don’t do it all the time, see, I’m better now! Accept that there is no NORMAL. You are you, with a unique brain that doesn’t do everything the way you’d like it to. Figure out what your Normal looks like, and then figure out which parts of you are stopping you from attaining that ideal. Then you can work on fixing them. And from what I’ve seen of it, on LJ, I like your NotNormal brain!
April 9, 2012 @ 7:46 pm
The other people who have commented have good thoughts for you. The right meds can make your life more manageable (I chose to not go that route, but it works for my daughters and quite a few friends), but the real way to live with your unique brain is to be mindful of it. As ladymercury_10 suggests, mindful meditation is a wonderful coping mechanism, and after you get good at it, it can become a healing tool. When you can shut out external stimuli, sometimes parts of your brain can finally be heard. Not just the screaming of “help, help”, but the actual reason help is needed can be heard in a good meditation session. The idea is to note them, and then empty your mind again, and afterward, sometimes the missing puzzle pieces show up and you finally see what the picture really is. That sounds really good. I’ve tried sort of analysing my thoughts, and I reckon I’m getting somewhere. :D Accept that there is no NORMAL. You are you, with a unique brain that doesn’t do everything the way you’d like it to. Figure out what your Normal looks like, and then figure out which parts of you are stopping you from attaining that ideal. Then you can work on fixing them. That is a very, very good bit of advice! And from what I’ve seen of it, on LJ, I like your NotNormal brain! Aw, thank you. :)