Misfits fic: Random Acts Of Kindness

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Title: Random Acts Of Kindness
Author: sarah531
Rating: R
Summary: An outer-space take on how the gang got their powers.

Random Acts Of Kindness

The three of them had only just reached Earth, but so far they liked it. It was a community center they were in, and they understood it was probably one of Earth’s lesser treasures, but nonetheless it was just fine for them. And everything was quiet and serene and rather beautiful.

“Fuck you, man!” yelled a boy’s voice. “I’m gonna rip your fucking balls out and stick ’em up your arse!”

“Fuck off, Nathan!” said a girl’s voice.

Five people came bursting through the door. They were storming, in a hurry, and it was a few seconds before-

“Fuck me!” said one of the other boys.

“Oh my God,” said one of the girls.

Everyone was silent for about five seconds.

“What the fuck are you?” said the blonde girl eventually. “What the fuck?”

The three of them swooped forward as one, and chose not to answer just yet. “What were you fighting about, humans?” they asked, in a musical voice.

Baffled, the five people just gawped, until the boy Nathan said,

“Lady Gaga. She’s so shit!”

“She is not,” said another boy, the pale-faced black-haired one. “She’s brilliant-”

“Aw, fuck off!” said the blonde girl. “She’s a fucking skank, and I heard she ain’t even a lady.”

“Aw, Kelly, don’t ya tell Simon to fuck off,” said the other girl. “I think that meat dress thing she did was kinda cool…”

“Um, guys?” said the third of the boys. “Aliens?”

“Are you aliens?” said Kelly. “Because that is fucking weird, right.”

“We are,” said the three, proudly. “Aliens to you. We are…”

Silence.

“The what?” asked Simon.

“Oh!” Nathan yelled. “I got it! They’re beaming their names straight into our brains! Fuck me, that’s weird!”

There were noises of agreement.

“And now,” said the three, “we desire your names.”

Grudgingly, they gave them.

“Simon Bellamy.”

“Kelly, yeah.”

“Alisha.”

“Nathan, world masturbating champion.”

“Curtis.”

The three gave a vague approximation of a nod and spoke again.

“And you have special powers.”

“Yeah we do,” said Kelly. “What d’ya know about that?”

“I bet anyone a million pounds that they’re going to tell us they gave us them,” Simon said intensely, glaring. “Did you?”

The leader of the three floated forwards. “On our planet, it is customary for beings to explore the galaxy on their coming-of-age and perform a random act of kindness. I, my brother and my sister, we found our way to this speck of a world and encountered you.”

“Shit, this is weird,” whispered Alisha to Simon.

“Be not afraid, children! We saw your unhappiness, your wants and wishes, and we created a storm to strike you and give you what you wanted.”

All five of the humans wore identical expressions of shock.

“Sorry, what?” asked Simon.

“We saw your wishes and granted them, children!”

“Scuse me? Not a fucking child,” said Kelly.

“This one, Kelly, wished to see people’s minds, see beyond their lies! So we granted her wish. This one, Curtis, wished to undo his past mistake, so we granted him the power to undo them all!”

“Yeah, it didn’t work like that,” Curtis said, but the alien was still speaking.

“Nathan, now he loves life, would have lived forever if he could, so now he can! Simon wished to fade away, observe but not be seen nor preyed upon, and he now has that power!”

“Actually-” Simon said.

“And the female Alisha, now she liked what you humans call sex! So we gave her the power to lead any other to that act!” And the alien spread its arms wide. “Others were caught in the storm too, and we can only assume they too recieved their heart’s desire. A random act of kindness, my friends, and we have changed your lives!”

The five people looked at each other and then back to the aliens.

“Fuck you, I went through hell,” said Alisha through gritted teeth.

“You messed wiv my head!” howled Kelly. “You shits!”

“You had no right to do any of this,” said Simon.

The alien frowned.

“You mean you are unhappy?”

“A man tried to kill me with cheese!” yelled Curtis. “Get these fuckers!”

All five of them ran forward and went straight through the aliens’ floating forms.

“Fuck!”

“How can you be unhappy?” another of the aliens said, in the voice of a little girl, floating high above them now. “We gave you what you wanted!”

“I didn’t wanna fucking rape people!” Alisha said.

“You alien cunts, we’re just experiments to you, aren’t you?” shouted Nathan. “Well, I’m not a fucking monkey! If we had any idea how to kill you you’d be dead!”

The aliens exchanged looks.

“Whoa, hold on,” said Simon. “We can’t kill them. I mean, look at them.”

“They are kinda proof there’s life on other planets,” Alisha said.

“Proof my experimented-on arse! Those glowy bastards think they can waltz down here and-”

“It was a random act of kindness,” said one of them, in a slightly desperate tone. “Have you never done the same to people of your own?”

“Fuck no!” yelled Nathan.

“Not really,” said Alisha. “And if I did, I wouldn’t fuck it up like you have!”

“People are dead cos of you,” said Kelly.

The aliens floated overhead, and despite this were beginning to look slightly more human.

“Oh Christ, I hope they don’t vaporize me,” said Nathan. “Dunno if even I could come back from that…”

“Shut up!” Curtis said. “Don’t give them ideas!”

The aliens floated down. Their leader looked at them all and said-

“How about we never speak of this again?”

The five humans shared questioning glances.

“Yeah,” Simon said, “yeah, just leave and don’t ever come to Earth again.”

“Fine,” said the alien, rather petuantly. “Fine.”

And in a flash of light they vanished.

“Fuck!” said Nathan. He ran to the window. “If you ever come back, you cunts, I’ll fucking dissect you! You BITCH CUNT SLAPPER ALIENS!” And he slammed shut the window.

“Yeah, all right, Nathan,” said Kelly. “It’s not like they can fucking hear you.”

“I wish I’d taken a picture of them,” said Simon. “The internet would go insane.”

“You saddo,” said Nathan. “Pub, you cunts?”

“Pub,” they said as one.