patient of the week: hello doctor I have this illne-
doc martin: you are an idiot and probably also a liar. take these pills and don’t do anything and come back next week
patient: but I have an important thing-
doc martin: don’t do the thing then. idiot.
louisa: I slept with Martin.
mrs tishall: You absolute whore.
sigourney weaver: Hey it’s me!!
louisa: I am also pregnant with Martin’s baby.
the townspeople: YOU ABSOLUTE WHORE
old gun farmer: I’ve got so many guns I’m like the movie Hot Fuzz come to life, and I’m so paranoid I can’t help but shoot at everyone who crosses my path.
the townspeople: We should probably do nothing about this.
pc pennhale: I legitmately have brain damage but I’m still allowed to be a cop and carry a taser. Oh damn I just tasered someone.
doc martin: I should probably do nothing about this.
[A person is shot]
doc martin: WAS IT LOUISA?
louisa: no I’m fine
doc martin: Okay I’ll overcome my blood phobia to fix up the gunshot wound and give the old gun farmer medications and this probably won’t happen again.
[It will happen again in 3 episodes]
[patient does the thing]
doc martin: you moron. the plotdeviceium you were using for the thing you were doing reacted with your medication and nearly killed you. idiot. twat.
louisa: I’m having your baby Martin
doc martin: k
doc martin’s most recent receptionist: Don’t let the doc scare you, he’s probably quite a nice person underneath the insults and the sarcasm and the yelling and the occasionally trying to kill stray dogs and the lack of sympathy and the-
bert: That’s all right lass, we’re just simple gun farmers and stereotypical tradesfolk around here.
[Bert immediately slips on a banana skin and breaks his back]
doc martin: Louisa wait are you leaving me?
louisa: No I decided to stay here, with you, in this culturally stagnated and demographically nonsensical village full of judgemental insane people with guns.
doc martin: all righty then.
patient: I’m so sorry for questioning your judgement doc martin-
doc martin [drop-kicks a puppy into the road]