every episode of doc martin, condensed

patient of the week: hello doctor I have this illne-

doc martin: you are an idiot and probably also a liar. take these pills and don’t do anything and come back next week

patient: but I have an important thing-

doc martin: don’t do the thing then. idiot.


louisa: I slept with Martin.

mrs tishall: You absolute whore.

sigourney weaver: Hey it’s me!!

louisa: I am also pregnant with Martin’s baby.

the townspeople: YOU ABSOLUTE WHORE


old gun farmer: I’ve got so many guns I’m like the movie Hot Fuzz come to life, and I’m so paranoid I can’t help but shoot at everyone who crosses my path.

the townspeople: We should probably do nothing about this.


pc pennhale: I legitmately have brain damage but I’m still allowed to be a cop and carry a taser. Oh damn I just tasered someone.

doc martin: I should probably do nothing about this.


[A person is shot]

doc martin: WAS IT LOUISA?

louisa: no I’m fine

doc martin: Okay I’ll overcome my blood phobia to fix up the gunshot wound and give the old gun farmer medications and this probably won’t happen again.

[It will happen again in 3 episodes]


[patient does the thing]

doc martin: you moron. the plotdeviceium you were using for the thing you were doing reacted with your medication and nearly killed you. idiot. twat.

louisa: I’m having your baby Martin

doc martin: k


doc martin’s most recent receptionist: Don’t let the doc scare you, he’s probably quite a nice person underneath the insults and the sarcasm and the yelling and the occasionally trying to kill stray dogs and the lack of sympathy and the-

bert: That’s all right lass, we’re just simple gun farmers and stereotypical tradesfolk around here.

[Bert immediately slips on a banana skin and breaks his back]


doc martin: Louisa wait are you leaving me?

louisa: No I decided to stay here, with you, in this culturally stagnated and demographically nonsensical village full of judgemental insane people with guns.

doc martin: all righty then.


patient: I’m so sorry for questioning your judgement doc martin-

doc martin [drop-kicks a puppy into the road]