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The Rise of Skywalker novelization | by Rae Carson

I SPENT LIKE A SOLID 45 SECONDS STARING AT THE PAGE AND GOING, “I LITERALLY CANNOT IMAGINE VADER DOING ANY OF THAT.”

I COULD NOT IMAGINE VADER MAKING A DEAL WITH A GIANT CREEPY SPIDER ON A GIANT BABY’S HEAD, ENTRUSTING THIS SITH HOLOCRON TO IT AND SAYING THAT ONLY THOSE WHO CAN PASS THE TEST BY DEFEATING THE PROTECTORS MAY FIND IT.

ANAKIN DIDN’T GIVE A SINGLE SOLITARY SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING LIKE THAT.  HE DIDN’T CARE IF ANYONE WAS STRONG ENOUGH TO DEFEAT PROTECTORS AND THAT THAT MADE THEM WORTHY.  HE DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT LEGACY AND HE DIDN’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SETTING UP FUTURE PLANS.

BECAUSE HIS WHOLE FUCKING THING, HIS ENTIRE FUCKING MINDSET, WAS “I’M GONNA STOMP THROUGH THIS ON SHEER POWER ALONE.”

EITHER IT WOULD KILL HIM (PLEASE KILL HIM HE HAS WANTED TO DIE FOR LIKE TWENTY YEARS NOW BUT NOBODY WHO IS STRONG ENOUGH WILL ACTUALLY DO IT) OR IT WON’T, BUT LIKE SETTING UP A LEGACY FOR SOMEONE TO COME AFTER HIM?  NO, VADER DIDN’T CARE.

BUT THEN I THOUGHT:  YOU KNOW WHO DOES CARE ABOUT SETTING UP FUTURE PLANS?  YEAH, THE GUY WHO’S ALREADY PUTTING ALL THE CHESS PIECES INTO PLACE IN THIS VERY MOVIE.  THAT GUY ABSOLUTELY WOULD HAVE DEVISED A TEST LIKE THIS–NOT BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT LEGACY BUT BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT WEEDING OUT THE WEAK SO HE CAN USE THE STRONG UNDER HIS THUMB, HE CARES ABOUT KEEPING THEM BUSY CHASING MCGUFFINS RATHER THAN HIM.

SO NOW THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I HAVE READ IN THE NOVELIZATION.

BECAUSE I   K  N  O  W   THAT PALPATINE MADE VADER SET THIS  UP.

“LORD VADER, I HAVE A TASK FOR YOU.”
“YES, MY MASTER, WHO SHALL I KILL NOW TO TRY TO FILL THE EMPTY VOID WITHIN ME?”
“NO, NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.  THIS TIME I NEED YOU TO GO FIND A GIANT BABY’S HEAD WITH A SPIDER ON TOP OF IT–DON’T WORRY, THERE’S ONE ON YOUR PLANET, YOU KNOW THE ONE YOU SET UP THERE BECAUSE LIFE IS FRAGILE BUT IT DETERMINEDLY FINDS A WAY AND YOU VALUE THAT STRENGTH–”
“NO, I CHOSE IT BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE SHE DIED AND HE BROKE UP WITH ME.”
“YES, FINE, WHATEVER, ANYWAY, GO FIND THE SPIDER BABY–BABY SPIDER? I DON’T KNOW–AND HIDE THIS WAYFINDER–”
“ISN’T THAT JUST A SITH HOLOCRON?”
“SHUT UP, WAYFINDER SOUNDS COOLER.  ANYWAY, GO THERE AND SET UP A TEST FOR SOMEONE TO FIND IT ONE DAY–”
“UGH.”
“AND ONCE THEY EARN IT THEY WILL HAVE PROVEN THEMSELVES WORTHY AND WILL FOLLOW IN OUR LEGACY.”
“DO I HAVE TO?”
YES, IT WILL BE USEFUL TO MY PLANS ONE DAY, NOW GO.”

AND THEN JUST IMAGINING VADER STANDING IN FRONT OF THE EYE OF WEBBISH, DETAILING OUT THIS PLAN OF HOW, IF SOMEONE CAN DEFEAT YOUR PROTECTORS, POINT THEM TO THE STONE ALTAR THAT’S LITERALLY JUST THREE FEET TO YOUR LEFT.

AND HATING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SECOND OF THIS ABSOLUTE UTTER NONSENSE THAT SIDIOUS IS MAKING HIM DO WHEN HE COULD BE OUT THERE TRYING TO MURDER ANOTHER ENTIRE PLANET OR SOMETHING JUST TO FEEL ANYTHING.

I AM CONVINCED THAT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED AND IT’S HILARIOUS.

I 100% believe this