in stories featuring aliens, they’re always like “on my planet this never happens!” or “in my culture, this differs from your human culture.” and that’s neat and all because i like worldbuilding and all that jazz but wouldn’t it be fun if they just. couldn’t do that?
i want a story where humans encounter an alien who frustrates them because they don’t know enough to tell them anything concrete
like humans will ask “tell us about politics in your planet!” and the alien’s all “uh… hold on it’s been a while since i took gov. um….”
“what sorts of plants grow on your planet?”
“i dunno i grew up in the suburbs. they’re like… purple? idk what you want me to say”
“tell us about the culture on your planet!”
“do you have any idea how many fucking countries are back home, i don’t even know where to begin”
“your planet is obviously much more scientifically and technologically advanced than ours. is it possible for you to enlighten us on certain matters concerning space travel, or would that be a form of interference you must avoid?”
“naw it’s cool, it’s just that, um, i’m a philosophy major”
OOH OOH AND
“take me to your leader”
“…we have like hundreds of leaders like which one? my country’s leader? another country’s leader? the director of our space program? my country’s military leader? my mom??”
my mom
@soapwortflower my mom
Alien 1: On my planet, we have no need to waste large areas of land on agricultural production. What we do not 3D-print, we grow in vast skyscrapers with perfect climate control.
Alien 2: Says the guy who never left Vrlov. Pay no attention to him; my entire hive and like the five around it were farmland.
Alien 1: We have evolved past scarcity.
Alien 2: Must be nice. I wish someone had told me during the Blight.
Alien 1: And yet, I sometimes wonder if in achieving total efficiency we have not lost something of ourselves. Humour… spontaneity… joy…
Alien 2: That’s it, Jrg. First Contact is cancelled. Excuse us, humans; my colleague urgently needs to attend a kitchen party. We’ll be back when we get him sorted out.