Viciously destroy the idea that bullying is a normal part of growing up.
This is so hard for me as a parent to deal with, from both sides.
Like it brings up all of my issues, and I so want my kid to not have to deal with bullying. And I have no idea how to do that.
I’ll repeat something I’ve said before:
I was doing my Master’s thesis on bullying until the topic triggered me back to my own childhood so badly I dropped out of that degree program. Let me share something I know.
We haven’t quite found anti-bullying programs that stop bullying once it’s started, but we canreduce the harm bullying does. Just a few small changes to classroom culture, like limiting children’s opportunities to exclude each other, or spending time talking about respectful communication, has visible changes. Yeah, there’s still a hierarchy of popularity, but kids at the bottom of the ladder go from having no friends on average to having one or two. And that’s enough to make or break a childhood. (Sources: one two three four five)
But here’s the other thing.
There is one major factor that mediates the link between childhood bullying and adult mental illnesses (predominantly depression, anxiety, and eating disorders). It’s self-blame.
What really damages children isn’t precisely being bullied; it’s believing that they deserve to be bullied. If children don’t blame themselves for being victims, they are much more resilient and experience fewer long-term negative consequences. (Sources: one two three four five)
Society blames children for their victimization by bullies all the time. It says, “There is something about you that causes people to bully you.“ Common responses to bullied kids are things like: “Don’t give them a reaction.” (They’re bullying you because you get upset.) “They’re just jealous.” (They’re bullying you because you do well.) “Let’s teach you some social skills.” (They’re bullying you because you act weird.)
If we can just change that one thing, we could prevent a lot of damage. What bullied kids desperately need at the very least is a caring community that says: You are not alone. It’s not your fault. What they’re doing is not okay.
I’ve seen parents telling their bullied kid “you deserved it.” I’ve seen a teacher lecturing a bullied kid that the bulling is their (the kid’s) fault. I’ve also seen a teacher basically provoking a bullying scene and finishing it all with “well, you must try harder so they would like you.” Then there are kids who claim the same thing about the bullied ones – “you deserved it.” And somewhere along the way I found myself telling people who I know were bullied “You were not at fault there.” I don’t know if it really helps them now, after so many years, but it cost nothing to say that. And it makes me feel better (I have that saving people thing, it seems).
I don’t think the damage is limited only to self-blame. There is also self-doubt if the damage is lesser (”what if they are right about me”). And at some point comes self-hatred – that nasty, dark feeling, always hiding at the edge of one’s mind, ready to strike whenever you expect it the least. And yet perhaps neither of these feelings would ever come in existence in any bullied child’s mind if somebody told them “you’re not at fault” early enough. However, words are not enough if no other action is taken.
All I have ever wanted is to find some way in which bullying may be stopped forever. Because words may be said, bullying may stop, help may come, but memories remain. Forever.