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Bless you guys <3

My childhood journal is still at my parents’ house. Every time I’m there I try to save a few extra pages onto my computer in case anything happens to it, but there’s a lot of it and I reread it and I just wince in horror, even though I probably shouldn’t. None of it’s bad, I don’t think there’s a really bad word written about anyone in there, but there’s so much awful fucking poetry and all-caps and the ^_^ emoji that was so popular from 2001-2005ish and exclamation marks and “I’m gonna get back [some random schoolmate whose name was once important enough to me to write down but whom I have since completely forgotten] FOR INSULTING MY FANDOMS!!! ^_^”

That sort of thing. Years worth of it. Also quite a lot of detailed descriptions of the bullying I suffered at school (even now ‘suffered’ seems far too intense a word for it, though I’m assured by my thirteen-year-old self that it was painful and awful) and of the “stupid games” I played in my head which obviously was my OCD asserting itself, before I knew what it was and before any adult really had a chance to catch it. All of that stuff is just sitting in my bedroom like one of those fucking Obscurial things from the Fantastic Beasts movie, it’s agonizing to read, god I really was intensely lucky to live out my teenage years during a time where social media hadn’t really taken off yet. I’m not sorry I kept it, but the idea of ever having that awful, embarrassing stuff on the Internet where anyone could see it or comment on it or laugh at it –

It’s why I get so stupid for kids on here sometimes. Like that fifteen-year-old told they should kill themselves for thinking they were awesome, that sticks in my mind so much. Or when I see adults mockingly reblogging those posts made by children for children, you know the ones, “Harry Potter fandom, grab your wands! Star Wars fandom, grab your lightsabers!” As if embarrassing things were harmful! I say adults there but it’s not that children don’t often fall over themselves to hurt other children, mind.

To this day I feel like I deserved everything I got. Watching the casual bullying that thrives on here only serves to reinforce it really.  My painfully embarrassing, smug, annoying 12-15 year old self did deserve a little more protection than she got I suppose –