On Jupiter Ascending now that I’ve seen it



We’re having a whole lot of fun here on Tumblr, and on the Internet in general, with the movie Jupiter Ascending. I don’t think I’ve read a single review of it that’s failed to compare the movie to a 14 year old GIRL’s fanfic, but you know what?

There is nothing ‘wrong’ with Jupiter Ascending that was not equally ‘wrong’ with Star Wars. Not a goddamned thing. You want the breathless, restless, destiny ridden poor kid who will save the universe? I see your Jupiter Jones and raise you Luke Skywalker, and don’t you EVEN tell me he didn’t get rescued by his mates at least as often as Jupe did.

You want the exposition spilling, disgraced elder who doesn’t seem to do much but explain things? I see your Stinger and raise you an Obi Wan Kenobi AND a Yoda.

You want a ranting, caricaturish, uninetlligibly over the top bad guy? Here — have two, because for all the James Earl Jones goodness, Darth Vader is still chewing the scenery, and Emperor Palpatine was never anything less than a melodramah hiss-magnet.

You want the hunky bad boy dreamboat who’s probably decent on the inside but will still shoot first and doesn’t pay his debts? Yeah, so Han Solo’s got some better one liners, but he still fills the same story role that Caine does, and he’s actually more of a Gary Stu about it when you get right down to the baseline. You can practically hear Lucas describing his eyes as ‘orbs’ in the early series.

But Star Wars is a teenage BOY’s breahtless fantasy, and so we nod, wink, call it a classic, and leap to ship its leading male characters with all our little fangirl hearts. Jupiter Ascending’s about he Princess rather than the Jedi, and so we poke fun at it, talk it down, and congratulate ourselves on our taste.

Well I call bullshit on that.

The ONLY thing that’s a singular flaw in Jupiter Ascending, is that they made it ONE movie, and not three, so the pacing is rushed to its conclusion. And if we’re being honest, taking a look at the derision being offered to Jupiter Ascending really makes you understand why the Watchowski siblings didn’t try and spool out this storyline to the three films that would have let them make the pacing awesome — they knew Hollywood, and the American viewing public in general, was gonna spend more time complaining about being shown an adventure story about a GIRL than actually thinking about the unbalanced double standard we were all gonna be buying into.

I’m not buying into it. I’m gonna say it again and again, and I’m gonna use capslock to make sure there is no doubt of things — JUPITER ASCENDING IS EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS STAR WARS.

So let’s stop deriding the taste of the people who enjoy it, okay? It doesn’t have to change the world to be fun. Lucas proved that pretty handily.