wittyblather:
Ok, so consider this: a novelization of Jupiter Ascending, written in the style of everyone’s first fanfic.
- The narrative coming to a complete halt every so often to describe the appearance of a new character.
- Channing Tatum having orbs instead of eyes
- Losing formatting and capitalization during action sequences because the author just gets so into describing what’s going on
- Passive voice. Passive voice everywhere.
- “Suddenly, men burst in with guns and shot Jupiter’s father! Her mother cried for help, but it was too late. He was already dead.”
- Absolute abuse of italics and capitalization for emphasis
- Also, ellipses
- “‘I…CREATE…LIFE!!’ he shouted. ‘And…I destroy it,’ he whispered so quiet she could barely hear him.”
- The character of Stinger being added in because reviewers had no idea what the author was talking about with the aliens and Abrasaxes, just so he could spew exposition
- Above all, AUTHOR’S NOTES
- “me: phew…that was a fun chapter, right guys?
jupiter: i can’t believe you’re making me marry him. >:(
titus: c’mon baby, i know you want to ;)
jupiter: ugh, can i just go back to Earth please?
me: maybe soon, jupes :D
balem: *glares at all of us* i’m surrounded by idiots
me: *glomps balem* you looooove us”- I just want this glorious film to be recreated in the most accurate medium possible.