(no subject)

I think I’m depressed, or I have an anxiety disorder, or probably both. Life just got so astonishingly difficult a few years ago. I’d have thoughts about terrible things, and I could never convince myself that they wouldn’t happen, and I’d do things to make sure they wouldn’t happen, even though no matter what I did I’d still be scared. It started in 2007 and it’s still going.

I don’t have a job and my entire life seems to be focused around my…whatever it actually is, just panicking all through the day and all through the night that I might have done something and caused something bad, or that something bad might have happened for no reason, or that I’m ruining everyone’s lives. Possibly deep down I know that I’m being irrational, or just stupid, but I can never convince myself. I read books and websites (Psychcentral is pretty good) and go to the doctors, but nothing seems to have helped yet. I am incredibly lucky to have such a supportive fiance, but I just really wish I was better.

Anyway, it’s at the point now where I just want to tell everyone about it because hiding it isn’t doing me any good.